BECOME A FRIEND

 

When the Samaritan woman came to the well where Jesus had stopped to rest, He had plenty of outs (John 4:4-9). No one would have considered Him rude for refusing to talk to her. That was par for the course among Jews and Samaritans, not to mention men and women. No one would have been offended. But Jesus initiated a conversation because He knew He was there for more than a breather and some water. He came for a divine encounter! 

 

Realize that Relationships Save Everything

In many respects, unlike Jesus, we live in a non-interactive society. Plenty of people interact with strangers online, but it’s not at all unusual to ignore the strangers standing and walking around us. We have become a society of very selective associations.

            

But to become like Jesus, we have the privilege of initiating caring conversations, knowing that each person we talk to may represent a divine appointment. You may see yourself as shy, introverted, or not a good conversationalist, but it’s important to realize, as one person said, “In the end, relationships save everything.” Because that’s true, and if we want to be like Jesus, we must step over our internal barriers and the external barriers to initiate relationships.

            

Implementing some of these ideas will break down those relational barriers:

 

• When you go to the campus, take a partner with you. It will help you not to feel awkward and alone. As Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they get a good reward for their labor.” 

 

• Ask questions—even if you can’t think of anything other than, “Where’s the cafeteria?” or, “Do you know where the water fountain is?” If you struggle with conversation starters, ask about their interests—what activities they enjoy, what the arts or athletics program is like, etc. 

 

• Remember names. Use memory devices like repeating names when you are first introduced, using them in conversation, associating them with memorable people or images, writing them down later—whatever it takes. Names are critical in building relationships. 

 

• Pray for each student by name. After a conversation, note their interests and needs. That will help you pray for them more specifically—and help you remember what to ask about next time you see them.

 

Be Yourself

Jesus was not afraid to be vulnerable and transparent with people. He openly admitted a need in His conversation with the Samaritan woman—“Will you give me a drink?” (John 4:7). He made no effort to impress her or anyone with how important or spiritual He was. He simply acted like Himself.

            

Students have an amazing ability to pick up on inauthenticity. Like most other people, they are drawn to people who are real. The last thing anyone wants is for you to act like a student or be someone you are not. God reveals Himself and His love through those who can relax in His Spirit and just be themselves. 

 

Penetrate Defense Mechanisms

When Jesus asked the Samaritan woman for water, she put her defenses up. “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (v. 9). Jesus wasn’t put off. In fact, He went straight to the heart of the matter: “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water” (v. 10). 

            

Students can come across as tough and defensive, but often behind the hard exterior is a hurting heart in need of love and compassion. Sometimes those hearts have been abused. Defensive walls are a means of self-protection. When a student rejects you, it’s usually to find out what you want and if you care enough to keep coming back. You’re being tested—don’t take it personally. Build up your resistance to rejection and find ways to tear down those defensive walls.

            

You can do that by speaking to them every time you see them, listening to what they say, and responding to them with honest answers to their questions. And you can continue to build the relationship by showing up at their events and noticing their interests and achievements. Ask the Holy Spirit to draw them to Himself and let you know when they are ready for a conversation about Christ. 

 

Engage in Relationship-Building Conversations

Jesus knew how to take a conversation deeper. After asking for a drink from the Samaritan woman, He told her about the living water that gives eternal life. Finding that kind of conversational bridge can quickly take your relationship with students to another level.

            

You can find that bridge by focusing on their interests (people love to talk about themselves), listening carefully, and diving a little deeper into their interests each time. Move from informational questions to probing questions to “feeling” questions. Doing that creates an opportunity for gospel conversations. 

 

For example, if Elena mentions that she moved to the city because her parents got a divorce (information), ask how her mom is doing living alone (probing), then how she feels about her relationship with her dad (feeling). Eventually, you may want to ask how she’s dealing with the pain of all she’s gone through (leading to spiritual). These are the kinds of probing questions that can quickly lead to a discussion in which you can introduce the gospel.

 

This can happen in one conversation, but more likely it develops over several. Over time, you get a glimpse of what students’ lives are like, how they feel about their struggles, and then what they think about God. Doing this creates a natural bridge to talk about faith. 

 

Expand Your Relationships Network

Jesus’ relationship with the Samaritan woman ended up influencing an entire village. She ran back into town to tell everyone about Jesus, and they came out to see. Many of them believed (see John 4:28-30). When people encounter Jesus, word gets out. 

            

Like the Samaritan woman and the villagers who came out to see Jesus, students thirst for living water. When someone genuinely cares and gives it to them, they will bring their friends. That creates multiplied and ever-expanding opportunities to build relationships.

            

As those relationships increase, you’ll want to take three important relationship-advancing steps:

 

1. Pursue meaningful, moving-toward-the-gospel conversations with every student you meet every time you meet.

 

2. Equip students who begin a relationship with Jesus to tell their story and the gospel story with their friends. 

 

3. Engage your students and adult youth leaders in participating in and leading discipleship groups that will rapidly expand their own contacts with students on the campus.

 

Give Freely of Your Time

Nothing communicates love more than time. Jesus demonstrated that by always seeming unhurried and uninterrupted. He stayed two more days in that Samaritan village to teach these new believers (vv. 39-42). Time is vital to the art of building relationships.

            

I’ve talked with students for months about things that seemed unimportant to me, but were important to them. In many instances, that time investment results in a life changed by Christ. One young man in whom I made that time investment became an intern in our youth ministry and later went on to train youth leaders in eastern Europe. Every minute spent on that relationship proved fruitful. 

 

By spending time with students, giving of ourselves, going where we don’t seem to fit, engaging in awkward conversations, breaking through relational barriers, and showing that we care, many will come to drink the living water that Jesus offers. 

 

Your Next Steps

We encourage you to keep a notebook or journal of ideas, action steps, and resources that will help you advance your youth ministry. You can use the following questions and suggestions for brainstorming and developing your goals and plans. 

 

• Write the names of all of the students you know who need to know Jesus. 

 

• Keep in mind one student with whom you want to build a relationship, and write down four questions you can ask to move ongoing conversations toward the gospel.

 

• Ask several of your adult leaders and Christian students to share with you three names of students who need Jesus. Then challenge them to pray for those students, consider ways they can cultivate those relationships, and engage those students in gospel conversations. This will significantly expand the relationship network with nonbelievers.

 

Resources 

• Young Life Contact Work: younglifeaccess.com/contact-work  

 

• Go to barrystclair.com to download free: 

–       An Awesome Way to Pray Student’s Journal

–       An Awesome Way to Pray Leader’s Guide